So this will be the third time I’ve tried to write this post. I feel like it would be good for me to share with all of you all reading what I’m going through right now because a lot of people around me know somethings going on but don’t know what exactly. Plus all of you who don’t know me probably would like to know what’s going on. So in today’s update on my life, I’ll share with you what I’m struggling with.
I would say for the most part I’m a generally happy guy. It takes a lot to get me upset or mad. Usually, I’m hanging out with friends and am in a great mood. Always having fun and trying to make people laugh. But that’s not been me lately. You see, I’ve been dealing with something extremely hard for me. Heartbreak. Which heartbreak is hard for anyone I know, but multiple things make this extremely hard for me. Well for first off this is the first time I’ve ever liked someone fallen in love whatever you want to call it. So obviously the feelings are going to be more intense. But there’s also something a bit different about me than most guys. I’m kinda obsessed with the idea of love…I know it’s weird for a guy to be or think that way, but it’s true. Love, marriage, dating, crushes, engagements, etc. are all things that truly fascinate me. I take it all insanely seriously. I don’t even know if my own family knows how seriously I take it. The most important thing to me in my life is my relationship with God. But the second is my love life. To help you all understand the gravity of how much this affects me, I have a story.
When I was ten years old, I remember lying in bed, crying. I don’t cry. It takes a whole lot to make me cry. This evening I was crying really hard because I was lonely. Truly lonely. I remember looking at the kind of relationship my parents had and wanting that kind of relationship. All I wanted (and still want) is to be able to have a deep relationship with someone like that. Someone that I can tell anything and everything. Someone I can talk to any time I want and who wants to talk to me just as much as I do them. I just wanted to have a friend. A best friend that I could make such a deep and emotional connection. Such a connection so we could pour our hearts out to each other. Someone who would listen to me and I them. That’s what I wanted, and still, want. I wanted a companion that I could share my everything with; my heart, mind, and soul. I wanted a connection with someone that would amaze everyone else around me. So here is my ten-year-old self crying myself to sleep, because I wanted this kind of relationship with someone. So I did what was most logical to me at the time. I prayed about it. I prayed for hours that night. Pouring out my heart to God and also shedding countless tears. Eventually, I fell asleep, but I never forgot that night. Instead, that is something I’ve prayed for ever since.
Nine years later, I’m still praying for that. It’s my heart’s desire. The one thing I want more than anything is to have that kind of relationship with someone. So now that ya’ll know my deepest, darkest secret… cue sound effects Now I can tell ya’ll what I’m dealing with now. Forty-four days from today will be a year exactly from when I first started talking (texting) the most amazing girl I’ve ever met. If it is possible for someone to be perfect, it would be her. What’s crazy is I’d already liked her for two years before we even started texting, and no one knew about it. Well, once we started talking, it was literally the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. We made an instant connection. We talked about pretty much anything and everything under the sun. We’d literally talked for hours and hours on end. We just really enjoyed talking to each other. After about four months of us talking and getting to know each other, I begin to realize maybe she might like me too. So I finally get the courage up to tell her that I like her. I’ll be honest the whole time I was waiting for a response I was expecting her to come back with “Yeah, I’m not interested in you like that.” I thought it was too good to be true, for someone as amazing as her to like someone like me. So when she came back and said she liked me too and had for several months, I was beyond ecstatic. Like I don’t dance, but I legit jumped out my chair I was sitting in and did a dance. I even shed a few tears I was so happy. It was the happiest moment of my life. After that moment is when things went up and downhill. We wanted to date, but after she talked to her parents she/them/whoever decided that it would be best if she waited till her birthday to date. I was pretty disappointed I’m not going to lie. I was so close to my dream of being able to date someone hours away from talking to her parents about it, and then she tells me that she’s going to wait. So I was disappointed. But I was completely fine with waiting. I would wait as long as it takes because she means so much to me. At this point, we are very close, and I’ll be honest I’m terrified to lose her. So waiting doesn’t bother me at all. It’s hard, and I know it will be, but it’s so worth it to me. Because I know the reward would be so worth it. So I tell her I’d wait and she was relieved because she was afraid to lose me too. So we begin waiting. And at the time she said we needed to be just friends and that’s where some miscommunication came in. At this point, I thought the whole waiting thing was her decision, but it turns out it was her parents. Which means the whole being just friends was as well. So this entire time where we are waiting we are trying to define the borders of being close friends. I mean we like each other, and we know it. That automatically throws a wrench in the whole friendship thing. I got scared of her parents, so I never talked to them about it and me and her tired our best to define boundaries as best as possible. We had some tough times trying to figure out what was to close for being friends and what was ok. We didn’t know I mean, how could we? Neither of us had ever dated before, so this whole process was new to both of us. But during this whole time, it is literally the best six months of my life. I’m happy all the time. All my friends and family keep commenting on the fact I’ve always got a big grin on my face. And it was because I was living my dream. I finally had got what I wanted so badly for so many years. I finally met the perfect girl and was able to have such a deep connection with. The kind of relationship I so longed for. So after six months of us becoming really close to each other, her parents bring me aside to talk to them. At this point, I’ve gotten really excited about dating her. We were so close, and I was getting close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But then my worst nightmare came true.
They told me I couldn’t date her or text her anymore. I went from living my dream and being the happiest I’d ever been in my life, to have it all turned into a nightmare. Apparently, I was too serious for her parent’s liking. Where I’m at in life and where she is are different, and my seriousness is apparently a distraction to her and causing her to focus on things she shouldn’t have to worry about yet. Or at least that’s what I got from the discussion. I’ll be honest I was in such a shock the whole conversation that I probably didn’t hear everything. I was really struggling. What I hated the worst about the whole thing is I had to go back into the room where she was so I could get my siblings to take them home. So I got to see her one last time. Still happy not realizing what discussion she was about to have with her parents. And at that moment, my heart and soul were crushed. It’s bringing me to tears right now thinking about it. To know that she was about to feel the way I’m feeling right now was devastating and I just wanted so badly to hug her before it all went away. But I didn’t get to, and I didn’t get to sleep at all that night. So the next day, I got her dad’s permission to send her one last text. I tried my best to cheer her up because I know she’s doing really rough. She sent one back to me later that day, and it made me so happy to hear that notification that she texted me.
All this took place a month and a half ago. So the question remains, “Where am I at right now? How am I doing?” I’ve been asked these questions so many times the past month and a half. I’d really like to say I’m doing good or I’m ok. But I’m not. I’ve tried so hard to get back to being happy again, but it’s hard. Because I didn’t just lose her that day, I lost my dream, the best and closest friend I ever had, and a joy I never thought was possible to achieve. I say lose her, but I haven’t lost her completely. We are still close friends, or at least I like to think so. We’ve talked a little bit here and there when we get the chance, but it hasn’t been a lot or as much as I’d like. We still have a ton of fun together, but it still hurts. Getting to see her is the highlight of my week still, but it also hurts at the same time. Because my feelings and emotions are still there, nothing has changed in that aspect; she still makes me feel the way she used to before we found out we couldn’t date. But now I have to hide it, and I hate it. I have to hide my emotions, my feelings. I have to find a way to be close enough to be her friend yet not to the point where her parents get upset with me. Because I never have nor do I ever want to upset them or have them feel like I crossed them or went behind their back. The whole time during this, I tried my hardest to do the right thing. I did whatever I could to make sure I was doing the best I could, which is probably what hurts most. Knowing that no matter how hard I tried to be the best I could and do the right thing, I still wasn’t good enough. We are starting to get off track now.
So what am I feeling now? It’s been a month and a half, and honestly, I feel like crap. I can’t beat around the bush about it. Any of my close friends and family can see it. It’s not hard to see even though I try hard to hide it. My heart feels like it’s shattered to pieces and I’m trying to figure out how to put it back together, but parts are missing. All my friends and family have tried their best to make me feel better to no avail. Instead, now I’m disgusted with what I’ve become. I’m negative, depressed, and overly emotional, and I hate myself consistently because of it. I’ve always been the one happy friend and if you ever needed anything I was there. I had your back. I was the guy who pulled you out of the hole, but now I’m in my pit of sinking sand is what it feels like. You see I would be a lot better than I am right now, but the devil has been attacking me more than I’ve ever seen in my life. Because that same week, I had finals for college, which I had to write three essays for school. Doing so would give me A’s in all my classes. Otherwise, I’d end up with B’s and that’d drop my GPA drastically. Well after I had the conversation with her parents every time I went to do the essays I couldn’t. My mind was so messed up I couldn’t focus enough to do them. So I just gave up trying and was going to accept the B’s. So on top of losing my dream and thinking I got B’s in all my classes, my car also broke down. You have to realize all this happened in a couple of days. It was hands down the worst weekend of my life. A couple of things got better. My teacher called me and helped me out with my grades and provided me a way out since I was doing rough. My parents sold me their car. So those problems were fixed, but the emotional damage remains. All that stress broke something in me because I haven’t been right in the head since. I feel like I roll dice to see what my mood is, and it changes multiple times a day. I have a million thoughts running through my head, and I’ve been making stupid decisions. I got so mad one day I just started walking to Walmart without telling anyone and scared my family because of it. Like that’s something I wouldn’t normally do. I don’t just run off like that, yet I’ve been doing stuff like that or having thoughts like that. My temper is also short. I feel like I could snap on anyone at any time, and it scares me because I hate doing that to people. Sleep is also elusive for me. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night. My eating schedule is screwed up. I’ve been trying to get back into eating better, but my appetite fluctuates so much. And don’t even being to ask me how I’m feeling, because that changes like twice every second. I’ll be perfectly normal one second, high anxiety the next, overwhelming sadness the next, laughing my guts out the next, almost crying the next, burning with anger the next, then hating myself so much the next. It’s like I’m a tv and someone keeps changing the channels of my emotions. This isn’t all that’s happened. Do you remember my five close friends? Yeah, my friend group is really strained right now. My co-worker, who is also one of my best friends, might be leaving our work, so I probably won’t get to see or talk to him hardly at all after he goes. The first best friend I ever had, our relationship is strained right now. She’s really stressed out with a bunch of stuff that’s going on in her life right now, yet she’s trying to help me with my problems. She can’t do that though if she’s struggling to support herself, and I’m in no position to help her. I’m struggling to make it through each day, let alone help her. So I told her yesterday that we need some space till one of us gets better and can help the other. Which fun fact, she’s best friends with the girl I like. So if we do a head count, I can’t talk to my best friend, I may be losing one of my best friends from work, and I’ve asked for some space from my first best friend. So that’s three people out of my five close friends that have become distant to me. The other two I’m close to, but not as much as I am with those three.
So here is what I’m struggling with. I hate myself. I hate I’m depressed. I hate I’m lonely. I hate I’m negative. I hate this situation I’m in. I hate how stressed out I am. I hate all the pain I have every day. I hate I can’t just pick myself up and move on. I hate I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I hate I don’t know what to do. I hate I don’t know how to fix myself. I hate that people keep giving me advice that I’ve already tried. I hate not being able to be there for my friends when they need me, because I can’t even help myself. I hate the fact I hate so much. I’m tired. I’m drained. I’m exhausted. I’m hungry. My mind won’t stop or shut off. My heart won’t stop pounding at the speed of light. My soul is continuously under attack. The devil finally found my weak spot, and now I’m having to fight for my life. A battle that was one daily is now every second. Every second I’m able to have a happy or positive thought is a victory. Every second I’m not depressed is a victory. I hate that I have such small goals, but right now that’s the best I can do. I just want to be happy again. I want to be able to be a help to others. Because right now I feel so bad because everyone is worried about me. Everyone is trying to help me, but instead of them making me feel better, I’m dragging them down. I feel like if I am alone then maybe I won’t hurt anyone else. I’m so sick of hurting everyone around me. But what hurts me worst of all is knowing that my struggling is hurting her. Because I know she can see it and I know she feels bad. All I want is to be ok again so that I’m not hurting her. Because I care about her more than anything, so to know I’m hurting her is the worst feeling ever.
So here’s where I’m at: I don’t know. I hurt, I know that. But I don’t know how to fix myself. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried almost everything under the sun to try to fix myself short of going to the doctor for medicine to make me happy. But I’m not completely hopeless. I’m still fighting, every second. I’m not giving up. I know I can make it. I may feel like crap and am struggling, but it’s not the end. If it was, I’d be dead by now. I have good days and bad days. Today was a bad day. Last Wednesday was the best day I’d had since this whole ordeal started. So it just depends on the day. So for all my friends and family reading this. I’m trying. I really am. It’s just that this is literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with before and tbh I don’t really know how to handle it. But I’m still trying anyway.
Well, I hope you all enjoyed it and learned something new about me. Now ya’ll know I’m not the happy camper I make myself out to be. I have my struggles like everyone else. I hope you all have a blessed day! Thanks for taking the time to read this! Don’t forget to leave a like and a comment! I love hearing from you guys! It gives me the motivation to keep doing these. Anyway, till next time! Peace and God Bless!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey