Have you ever opened a can of biscuit dough and have it explode? Like on the outside of the can, it looks all peaceful and calm. Nothing is happening, but as soon as you open the can, you are met with an explosion. If you didn’t know that the blast was coming, it would be quite shocking. This is a perfect example of me and who I am. I being an introvert, (the I in INFJ) means I hold everything inside of me. I hold feelings, emotions, thoughts, everything inside of me. I rarely show it to people, and the only people I show it to are people who are close to me. Those who don’t know me only get to see the shell of what I am. The outside layer. Even those closest to me only see the tip of the iceberg. I have so many emotions, thoughts, and feelings I don’t have the words to say them all. Even if I would not be able to share all of them because there’s so many, it’s like for every thought I have I have a dozen emotions to go with it and for every emotion a dozen thoughts. It’s like a hydra, you cut off one head and two more will appear. I deal with one thought, two more thoughts appear. I suppress or release one emotion two more emotions replace it.
I’ll be honest it hurts. To have so many things going through my head, and yet no one knows what they are. I want to share it with someone but I can’t. Many are willing to listen, but I can’t bring myself to speak. I want to say something yet words don’t come. My mind is blank, and my heart is racing. I have a million thoughts and emotions, but I can’t say a single word. It’s like knowing the worlds secret but unable to tell anyone. I have so much within me I feel like I”m going to bust if I don’t get it out, but I don’t know how. I want and desire so badly to share everything inside of me to get it out. To have a release to have peace. To know that what I’m feeling is either false or true. To have my emotions calmed and my thoughts sorted. To have my mindset at easy and my heart to rest. I want to be able to stop being stressed because I’m overthinking even the smallest things. Things that don’t affect anything in the grand scheme, yet cause me so much pain.
That’s anothering about holding everything in. I see and feel so much. I don’t see everything, yet I see way more than people realize. I’m able to recall conversations to the tone everyone said it. I remember the body language everyone had during the conversation. The quick glances of an eye, the turn of a body, wider steps, a flicker of emotion on someone’s face, wrinkles where they are not normally, consistent movement, etc. I notice all these things and more. I can tell when somethings off. I have a gut feeling. I can feel when someone is lying to me. I can tell when someone is hiding something. I’m a collector of information all the things I see, and the process is like a puzzle in my brain. I have so much information floating around I’m playing a puzzle. I play a game with myself and predict what people are going to do. Sometimes months in adance. I tell no one because it scares even me. I hate being able to see why people do what they do. I hate being able to see things a million ways. Because even though I can usually predict what people are going to do, I overthink it. I will convince myself that what I’m feeling is not right. Then it will happen the way I predicted it originally. And don’t ask me to try and predict what someone does because I can’t do it on the spot. I do it subconsciously without thinking. But if I can predict it and share it with you, I am usually able to give you a dozen reasons why that was going to be the outcome. But all this comes with a price. I keep it all inside. Sometimes I can see something going to happen, and I can’t do anything to stop it. I have to sit and watch it unfold. It’s so hard knowing and seeing so much but not be able to say or explain it. It’s so frustrating!! I have so much I want to say, but I can’t get the words out. When my friends and family want to have a deep conversation, I try so hard to say something, anything! But the words don’t come!!!
It’s so frustrating to keep everything inside. Because often I beat myself up because I’m quiet when I want to speak. Like when I’m talking with friends or hanging out with people. I want to speak, but I can’t. Or when I want to talk to some of my friends but I can’t because I can’t start a conversation. It hurts! Or like when someone does something kind to me, and it touches me, but I can’t show it. It makes me so mad, and I hate myself so much because on the inside I can be incredibly happy, but I don’t show it on the outside even though I want to so bad. It hurts so much not being able to show my emotions the way I want. It hurts when someone does something kind for me, and I can’t give a good reaction because of who I am. It could be the best thing ever, and I can’t jump or shout. It hurts to see the look on the other person’s face when I realize that I didn’t give them a look they were hoping for. It’s part of the reason why I don’t like gifts as much. I can’t give people the reaction they want sometimes, and it ends up hurting me that I was unable to do that. I’m already frustrated with myself as it is, so not being able to show that I’m happy stings so much. I feel so awful, and I hate it, but there’s nothing I can do.
There are sometimes that I do show emotion, but it’s not because of gifts. You see with the biscuit dough can, to get it to explode you have to push or peel in the right spot and just enough to get it to get a good explosion. If you don’t press hard enough or too much in the wrong place, you’ll mess it up, and it’ll just pop not explode. I’m the same way. Gifts don’t usually get me riled up enough to show a huge reaction. If you want to make me happy, a kind word goes a long way, especially from people close to me. Whether it’s one of my parents, a person I look up to in life around me, one of my friends, or the girl I like, if they say something special or kind to me I usually literally cannot contain a smile. When someone says something special to me, I can’t hold how happy it makes me so then I’m able to show it. But I have to become overwhelmed with emotion for me to show it. Otherwise, I’d hide it and no one would never know. Sometimes I hide it even though I try to show it if that even makes sense.
Thanks so much, everyone for reading!! I’m so sorry it took me so long to post this! I’ve had a lot going on right now. I just got back from a work trip I’d been out of town on, so I had to catch up with some friends, which we are working on our church’s website. (We are trying to update it to make it look more modern) So I worked on that for several hours. We also went and did a few small electrical things that had been needing to be done around the church that no one had time to get to. So since I’m taking Electrical classes, I’ve been asked several times to help with some of the electrical things that have happened. Anyways, sorry it took me so long! I hope you enjoyed it and the wait was worth it! Till next time, peace! And God Bless!!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey