So I’ve wanted to use this blog as a way for me to word vomit my feelings. In the process, I’m hoping to help and encourage others in a similar situation in knowing there is someone who struggles with the same things as them. But also to let my friends and family have a better understanding of me because I struggle with talking to people. It’s hard for me, and I’m much better at writing it out instead. So I wanted to talk about a feeling I’m feeling right now.
I feel like I have a void inside of me. Why? Because of this heartbreak. All I’ve ever wanted is to have a deep connection with someone. To be in a relationship. I want it more than anything. For years I’d prayed for. I’ve spent thousands of hours of dreaming about it. Imagining what it’d be like. Then one day, what seemed like only a fairy tale at this point became a reality. I finally got a deep connection, someone — the kind of relationship I wanted. SOmeone I could tell anything anytime and not have to worry what she’d think of me. I was so happy too. Happier than I’d ever been in my life. I never knew it was possible to be so happy. I was living my dream. Then it all turned around.
Before it hurt not having what I wanted. It hurt so much because I’ve been waiting for so long I was beginning to give up and thought that it was just something I would never have. Something that I was just not good enough for. It hurt not being able to have my deepest desire and to have that void in me filled. But then it was filled, and it was the best thing to have ever happened to me in my life. But now that void is back. What filled it was removed from me. Now I’m empty again. Void of the happiness that once filled my life. And to be honest, it hurts even worse than before. Because now not only do I want it even more than I did before, but now I know what it’s like to have that void filled. Now I know the peace I can have, but now I can’t. It hurts even more because I know that void won’t be filled for years, and I’m stuck feeling alone and empty. Unable to change anything. Unable to do anything. I am forced to sit alone on the sideline empty and void. The void once was small wishing and hoping for something that seemed so incredible almost impossible. Then once I had it, it was even better than I’d imagined. Now that the void is back, it’s immensely worse. It’s like a pit in my stomach that always aches. A throbbing in my heart that never stops. It’s a lingering sadness like the lingering smell of rotten food. I want to overcome it. I want to get rid of this pain, but I can’t. I’m stuck. I’m a weird individual, and I know my heart won’t be able to let someone in like that for years.
Honestly, I’m scared to. Because I didn’t even start dating her. I was so close, yet I held my heart back way more than anyone knows. I’m afraid to start dating now because when I do eventually, I can’t hold my heart back. I don’t want to. But I’m worried that if I allow my heart to get even closer than I did last time and I have another heartbreak that it will kill me. It’s been almost two months, and I’m just now starting to get better. Not much, but slightly. It’s why I’m so careful about who I let in. I can’t take heartbreak. It is the one thing that cuts deep into my soul. I can take pretty much anything, but heartbreak rocks my very soul. So I’m scared to try and fill that void again because idk if I could handle another heartbreak.
Thanks so much for reading! I hope you all enjoyed it and maybe some of you can relate to something I said! If you have any thoughts leave them in the comment section below! I try to respond to all my comments! Thanks again! Till next time. Peace, and God Bless!!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey