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Hey ya’ll, so today is gonna be a bit different. I decided to post something that I deal with daily. To give you more of an outlook of how I think. It’s deep, emotional, and raw. But I hope you all can relate in some way.

I mess up. I screw up. I let the voices inside my head tell me I’m nothing. I look at what I’ve done and what I could be. I see me for what I am which is not the truth. I judge myself off of what I think of myself, which in reality is not who I am. I am who I am because of what I do, not what I think. I may think I am this horrible person, but that’s what I think not what I am. I am amazing becuase I do amazing things. It’s what people see and tell me. They see all the things I do and tell me I’m doing good. But I don’t feel good. All I feel is like I’m falling apart. I see what other’s don’t. I judge myself too harshly because of things I didn’t do. I see where I’m at and where everyone is too. I hate that I didn’t do it perfectly. I hate that I wasn’t the best. I hate it when I fail or look bad. I know no one is perfect but I somehow still try to be. I’m trying to reach something I can’t achieve. Perfection, but I know I can never attain it. But I hate myself anyways when I fail. Because I hate failure, and even thoug I know my goal was stupid I still hate myself because I couldn’t reach it. And the hate starts to grow. I don’t realize it but my hate for myself makes me notice every small thing I don’t do perfectly, so then I judge myself on all my imperfections. I start looking at all the different aspects that I hate about myself. I tell myself I can’t do anything right. I hate I can’t talk like everyone else. I can’t speak my mind as clearly as everyone else. I hate how I think of things the opposite way as people mean them. I hate it because people say I’m so smart, yet I’m so dumb I can’t understand what the person meant! I hate how I look, but who doesn’t? It’s always bothered me. I’ve tried new clothes, hair styles, working out, etc. but I still hate how I look and that I feel unattactive. I hate myself for being so quiet. Like why can’t I be out going like everyone else? I hate that I can’t do things right the frist time. Like why do I have to screw things up? I feel like a failure and that I’m always letting people down. I feel like I’m not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not moving fast enough. I have so many plans and dreams and I hate myself for not being able to do them. I hate myself for not being able to help everyone. I hate I’m not able to make everyone happy. I hate that I’m not good enough. I let these thoughts replay in my head over and over. I let them tear me apart from the inside out. Till I feel empty inside. Till I feel like I’m drowning in self pity and hatred of myself. I hate feeling that way, I hate myself, I hate that I hate. I’m sick of tired of feeling this way. I hate to tell people the way I feel becuase I know it’s stupid. I know these thoughts aren’t really the way I am. But I still feel that way. I can’t help it. I hate who I think I am. I hate I’m not who I wish I was. I hate feeling this way. I hate complaining to people about the way I feel too. I hate it because why should I complain? There are many people aroudn me who are going through stuff way worse than me. So why should I complain to them? So I keep my mouth shut and I bottle the feleings up. I shove them to side and slap a smlie on. I hide the pain the hurt. I hate myself yet I hide it with a laugh. People ask me how I’m doing and I say I’m doing good even though I’m dying inside. I’ve got pain an fears. I have fears of not being good enough. Fears of failing and not being able to reach my dreams. Fears of never being wanted. Fears of being alone forever. Fears of letting everyone down. Fears of not doing enough, not being the best, not being perfect. I know I can’t be and the hate fuels the flame. On the outside I appear like everythings ok. I keep myself busy becuase I know if I stop or pause and give myself time to think I’ll destroy myself. My mind is my worst enemy. The part of me that can take me from a happy mood do depression in a second. I put on a mask and pretend I’m ok. I fake it till I make or till I get alone. Then I plug in some music to dull the pain. To mask the thoughts. To distract me from what my mind is saying. I keep myself busy to the point where I can’t think about anything but work. I push myself harder than I need to for the pain, so I keep my mind at bay. Most of the time, I’m trying to escape myself because myself hurts me too much. To find one good thought about myself is a treasure. There is a blissful peace in being able to sit in quiet without my mind attacking me. There is happiness when my mind is blank. There is peace when everything is still. But usually when everything still is when my mind is loudest. When I’m alone and by myself. Lying in bed or driving to work. Working alone or dreaming in bed. My mind is constantly fighting me, and I have to fight back. I’m at war with my mind. Trying to control what controls me. I’m trying to hide the warzone that rages within. I smile and wave. I laugh and joke, but in reality, I’m a thunderstorm inside. I know I can’t win. I can’t beat myself at my own game. My mind says to give up and let it win. That there is no hope, I’m worth nothing. My mind says my dreams are impossible; my hope is unfounded, my love false, my pain fake, my whole being a mistake. But this is not true. I’m here for a reason. God put me here. He gave me a mission and a plan. He gave me a goal. He gave me life. He gave me my dreams and hope. He gave me love. He made me the way I am for a reason. I may look ugly, but there’s a reason for it. I may fail, but there’s a reason for it. I may screw everything up, but there is a reason for it. I may not be where I want to be, but there’s a reason for it. I’m human, and I make mistakes, but God doesn’t. It’s a good thing He made me who I am and not me because I’d messed myself even worse than what I think I am. I’m not a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes. So even though I might hate myself, I know it doesn’t matter. I have a reason to fight. I have a reason to keep pushing every day and not let my mind win. God gave me a reason. He gave me life. He’s the reason I have to keep pushing. If God was done with me, I wouldn’t still be here, but He has more in the store for me. So till God’s done with me, I’m going to keep fighting my mind. The war rages on every day, but I know I can make it. I have to keep fighting.

Thanks so much for making it this far! I hope you enjoyed it and were able to relate on some level. I know this was a bit different than what I usually do, but I thought it’d be a good topic to cover. If you have any thoughts, be sure to leave a comment!! Ya’ll are the best!! Till next time. Peace and God Bless!!!

~~~ INFJ Mickey

6 comments on “I Hate Fighting Myself

  1. INFP here and I can relate so much to these feelings… ‘I’m a thunderstorm inside’, wow, that kind of took my breath a little. It sums it all up so accurately.

    I’m not religious but I come from a family that are and all this hate for yourself is nothing compared to the love that God has for you. I hope that you can find a way to accept some of these things about you and even learn, in time to love them – because I can assure you, no-one thinks about you the same way that you do. I am still trying to learn how to do this myself, but you certainly aren’t alone in feeling this way.

    Thank you for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. INFJ Mickey says:

      Hey that’s so awesome you were able to relate so much! It’s awesome to know that I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m still learning how to accept some of the things and love them too. It’s a process for sure, and not an easy one. But we just have to keep trying! Thanks so much for the encouragement! It meant a lot! It was my pleasure to share it. Thanks for taking the time to read it and share your thoughts!

      ~~~ INFJ Mickey

      Like

  2. okayimateen says:

    heres something for you

    a girl once told me
    to be careful
    when trying to fix
    a broken person
    for you may cut yourself
    on their shattered pieces

    I really hope things get better for you. remember there is always light at the end of the darkest of tunnels and I know it feels horrible when your going through such a negative time but trust me it gets better, I know

    -star x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. INFJ Mickey says:

      Hey thanks so much for sharing that! Tbh, I already knew that, but I just never worded it that way. I love how you worded it! Since I know I can cut myself on someone’s broken pieces, I realize the opposite is true as well. My broken pieces can cut other people. I really hate it, and it’s why I try to pretend to be ok. It’s why I don’t share my feelings. I don’t want to hurt other people just because what I’m going through sucks. But there’s also peace in release. Through this blog I’m able to release all these things that are in my head that I never tell anyone. And it has been helping immensely. I have been getting better, I can see it and feel it. Also having people like you and everyone else who keeps encouraging me is a huge blessing. Thanks so much for sharing and the encouragement! It means a lot!! Thanks for reading! I promise all my blogs aren’t going to be this negative, lol.

      ~~~ INFJ Mickey

      Liked by 1 person

      1. okayimateen says:

        haha im glad I helped in a way. Don’t worry every person breaks now and then but that doesn’t mean we should bottle our emotions in. The more we keep in the harder we will smash when we do break. But do confide..keep using your blog the way you are using it and hope for the best. God will help you and im glad your feeling better

        -star

        Liked by 1 person

      2. INFJ Mickey says:

        You definitely did! I agree however old habits die hard. But I’m trying to overcome them, hence the blog. 😂 God definitely has got my back! Thanks so much!!! Great to hear from you again btw!

        ~~~ INFJ Mickey

        Liked by 1 person

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