Hey ya’ll, so today is gonna be a bit different. I decided to post something that I deal with daily. To give you more of an outlook of how I think. It’s deep, emotional, and raw. But I hope you all can relate in some way.
I mess up. I screw up. I let the voices inside my head tell me I’m nothing. I look at what I’ve done and what I could be. I see me for what I am which is not the truth. I judge myself off of what I think of myself, which in reality is not who I am. I am who I am because of what I do, not what I think. I may think I am this horrible person, but that’s what I think not what I am. I am amazing becuase I do amazing things. It’s what people see and tell me. They see all the things I do and tell me I’m doing good. But I don’t feel good. All I feel is like I’m falling apart. I see what other’s don’t. I judge myself too harshly because of things I didn’t do. I see where I’m at and where everyone is too. I hate that I didn’t do it perfectly. I hate that I wasn’t the best. I hate it when I fail or look bad. I know no one is perfect but I somehow still try to be. I’m trying to reach something I can’t achieve. Perfection, but I know I can never attain it. But I hate myself anyways when I fail. Because I hate failure, and even thoug I know my goal was stupid I still hate myself because I couldn’t reach it. And the hate starts to grow. I don’t realize it but my hate for myself makes me notice every small thing I don’t do perfectly, so then I judge myself on all my imperfections. I start looking at all the different aspects that I hate about myself. I tell myself I can’t do anything right. I hate I can’t talk like everyone else. I can’t speak my mind as clearly as everyone else. I hate how I think of things the opposite way as people mean them. I hate it because people say I’m so smart, yet I’m so dumb I can’t understand what the person meant! I hate how I look, but who doesn’t? It’s always bothered me. I’ve tried new clothes, hair styles, working out, etc. but I still hate how I look and that I feel unattactive. I hate myself for being so quiet. Like why can’t I be out going like everyone else? I hate that I can’t do things right the frist time. Like why do I have to screw things up? I feel like a failure and that I’m always letting people down. I feel like I’m not doing enough, not trying hard enough, not moving fast enough. I have so many plans and dreams and I hate myself for not being able to do them. I hate myself for not being able to help everyone. I hate I’m not able to make everyone happy. I hate that I’m not good enough. I let these thoughts replay in my head over and over. I let them tear me apart from the inside out. Till I feel empty inside. Till I feel like I’m drowning in self pity and hatred of myself. I hate feeling that way, I hate myself, I hate that I hate. I’m sick of tired of feeling this way. I hate to tell people the way I feel becuase I know it’s stupid. I know these thoughts aren’t really the way I am. But I still feel that way. I can’t help it. I hate who I think I am. I hate I’m not who I wish I was. I hate feeling this way. I hate complaining to people about the way I feel too. I hate it because why should I complain? There are many people aroudn me who are going through stuff way worse than me. So why should I complain to them? So I keep my mouth shut and I bottle the feleings up. I shove them to side and slap a smlie on. I hide the pain the hurt. I hate myself yet I hide it with a laugh. People ask me how I’m doing and I say I’m doing good even though I’m dying inside. I’ve got pain an fears. I have fears of not being good enough. Fears of failing and not being able to reach my dreams. Fears of never being wanted. Fears of being alone forever. Fears of letting everyone down. Fears of not doing enough, not being the best, not being perfect. I know I can’t be and the hate fuels the flame. On the outside I appear like everythings ok. I keep myself busy becuase I know if I stop or pause and give myself time to think I’ll destroy myself. My mind is my worst enemy. The part of me that can take me from a happy mood do depression in a second. I put on a mask and pretend I’m ok. I fake it till I make or till I get alone. Then I plug in some music to dull the pain. To mask the thoughts. To distract me from what my mind is saying. I keep myself busy to the point where I can’t think about anything but work. I push myself harder than I need to for the pain, so I keep my mind at bay. Most of the time, I’m trying to escape myself because myself hurts me too much. To find one good thought about myself is a treasure. There is a blissful peace in being able to sit in quiet without my mind attacking me. There is happiness when my mind is blank. There is peace when everything is still. But usually when everything still is when my mind is loudest. When I’m alone and by myself. Lying in bed or driving to work. Working alone or dreaming in bed. My mind is constantly fighting me, and I have to fight back. I’m at war with my mind. Trying to control what controls me. I’m trying to hide the warzone that rages within. I smile and wave. I laugh and joke, but in reality, I’m a thunderstorm inside. I know I can’t win. I can’t beat myself at my own game. My mind says to give up and let it win. That there is no hope, I’m worth nothing. My mind says my dreams are impossible; my hope is unfounded, my love false, my pain fake, my whole being a mistake. But this is not true. I’m here for a reason. God put me here. He gave me a mission and a plan. He gave me a goal. He gave me life. He gave me my dreams and hope. He gave me love. He made me the way I am for a reason. I may look ugly, but there’s a reason for it. I may fail, but there’s a reason for it. I may screw everything up, but there is a reason for it. I may not be where I want to be, but there’s a reason for it. I’m human, and I make mistakes, but God doesn’t. It’s a good thing He made me who I am and not me because I’d messed myself even worse than what I think I am. I’m not a mistake. God doesn’t make mistakes. So even though I might hate myself, I know it doesn’t matter. I have a reason to fight. I have a reason to keep pushing every day and not let my mind win. God gave me a reason. He gave me life. He’s the reason I have to keep pushing. If God was done with me, I wouldn’t still be here, but He has more in the store for me. So till God’s done with me, I’m going to keep fighting my mind. The war rages on every day, but I know I can make it. I have to keep fighting.
Thanks so much for making it this far! I hope you enjoyed it and were able to relate on some level. I know this was a bit different than what I usually do, but I thought it’d be a good topic to cover. If you have any thoughts, be sure to leave a comment!! Ya’ll are the best!! Till next time. Peace and God Bless!!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey