Hey everybody! Today is the one-month anniversary since I started my blog!! I can’t believe it’s been this long already! It feels like just yesterday I sat down and wrote my first post. I’m so amazed at how far I’ve come already, and it’s thanks to all of you!! Since I’ve started my blog, I’ve got 36 followers! I can’t believe it! I’ve had over 1200 views! I never expected ya’ll to enjoy my blog this much. It truly is an honor to be able to be here today and have you read what I have to say. It’s crazy, seeing how different my blog has changed since I started. I initially was getting kinda deep about random stuff. Then I finally spilled what has really been bothering me. After that, I’ve been telling all the different things I’ve been going through. But I don’t want ya’ll to be confused on what my goal is for my blog, and I’ll be honest my goal changes. Over time I think of new things and my opinion changes. So what may be true today might not be true tomorrow. So as this is my one-month anniversary, I’m going to go over why I have this blog, and what my goal is.
My name is Mickey. I’m just like you; I’m average. I’m not the best thing to have ever walked this planet. I see myself just the opposite. I’m human; I make mistakes. I walk through life feeling pain and sorrow, joy and heartbreak, and peace and anger. I feel many emotions, and I deal with a lot of stuff. A lot of it most people don’t realize. I keep to myself and hide. I don’t let anyone else know the thoughts I have or the pain I’m feeling. I don’t share my heartaches or the struggles I have daily. The battle of getting out of bed in the morning and roller coaster of emotions every day. I have many thoughts that overwhelm me. It feels like a thunderstorm or a tsunami of emotions and feelings raging inside of me. I’m at war against myself and the outside forces attacking me. I’m fighting for my peace, my joy, my happiness, my life, and for everyone around me. I’m fighting a war no one can see, and few know about. I’m walking through life looking around wondering what am I supposed to do now. There was a time where everything made sense and fit into place, and now everything is fuzzy. What’s up and what’s down? I started this blog to explain my thoughts and try to understand myself better and everyone else around me. After a while I realized that it wasn’t helping. I was only getting worse. My hole was getting deeper, my pain sharper, my sleepless nights longer, and the fear stronger. I was hurting so much to the point where I couldn’t think straight. I was a bomb that was ticking about to go off, and I almost did. I got mad at one of my best friends, and almost ended my friendships with everyone I know. I almost dropped everyone and everything because I was too the point where I almost couldn’t take it anymore. I was fed up with feeling this way, and was done trying. I felt like going out back and digging myself a hole and sitting in it for eternity. I felt like just going into my closet and just crying my eyes out. I felt like running until I could run no more. I felt a pain so deep all I cared about was for it to stop. It was so bad it was to the point I dreaded going to sleep and getting up in the morning was tough. Every second I breathed was strained. Every thought like a hammer on steel. Each thought a flood of emotion and feeling into my heart. My heart overwhelmed with all the pain. Pouring from the seems until it was about to explode. Never in my life have I ever doubted that I would make it through anything. I’ve always had full confidence that God has my back. But for a second, my faith waived. For a second I thought maybe I wouldn’t get out of this. Perhaps I’m doomed to be like this forever. Maybe I’m not fixable. Perhaps I’m not good enough. Maybe this was the last straw, the last mistake, the last time I was very happy, the last time I had a reason to have a real smile. Maybe I blew my only chance for happiness. For a second. For a second, the first time in my life, I didn’t know what to do. I was helpless and scared. For a second, I didn’t care what happened to me. For a second…for a second, I thought maybe I was a mistake. Perhaps everyone would be better without me. For a second…
Then everything changed. I needed to tell someone, anyone how I feel. I needed to get it out. I had to release the pressure building in me — the pressure I’d built up for years. Pain, hurt, anger, emotions, and feelings I’ve hoarded and kept hidden. Things I let no one see, because to let them see me was too much of a risk. I couldn’t let someone in. But the pain got too high and the weight too heavy. I reached my climax and breaking point. It was at this point I was going to either sink or sail. So I tried to sail. I wrote a post about my heartbreak. It’s insane that two months later and it still hurts as if the wound was made yesterday. In my post, I explained my situation and what I was feeling. I told what I was going through. I shared my thoughts that have been plaguing me. And I felt slightly better. Finally saying what was on my mind helped. I was finally able to get out what I tried so long to hide. Finally being able to admit I have an issue. I finally admitted…I’m broken. I’m hurt, crushed, kicked, beaten, and bruised. I have never dealt with anything I didn’t think I could get through yet this one thing made me doubt I could make it. And I hid that fact. I hid the fact I was getting worse, not better. I hid the fact that I was digging my own grave. I hid the fact that I was close to giving up. But before I reached that point, I poured everything out. I let it all out. I bared my core to the world and shared what breaks me down to my very being. I shared my one weakness, my Achilles heel. I opened up to my pain and my fears. The things I struggle with and think. From that day on, I kept posting more and more about things I struggle with. I realized I experienced release. I was finally getting out everything I’d been bottling up. And I eased the pressure slightly. I started doing better slightly. I started doing more and trying to help my friends again. I started to improve. But then it hit me. I’m not fixed yet.
I’m still broke. I’m still hurting more than I ever imagined possible. But I know why. I finally figured out what’s going on. I already knew this, but with all this pain, I couldn’t take a step back and see the big picture. I’ve had a blindfold on, and it finally was removed, and I am starting to see it again. I’m in a battle for my soul, mind, and heart. The devil opened up his arsenal and released everything he had at me. He attacked my finances, my education, my family, my friends, my mind, my relationship with God, my heart, and my peace. He found my one weakness and threw a rocket at it. I was left in the mud on my knees blown away by the blow that was struck me. My car broke down to where it couldn’t be fixed, I almost got B’s in all my classes, I almost lost all my friends, my family got scared for me, my mind was on the brink of collapse, my relationship with God slowed, my heart blown to pieces, and my peace stolen. My dream was destroyed, and my hope crushed. Everything I’d ever wanted and dreamed of had been lining up for me. Then it all came down crashing before my eyes. But you see, even though all I could see was this pain and brokenness, God saw something bigger. He had bigger plans. God hadn’t abandoned me, although it felt like it. God gave me A’s in all my classes when I felt like it wasn’t possible, He gave me a better car than before, God kept my friends close and gave me some new ones, He brought me closer to my family again, He opened my mind, my relationship with Him was strengthened, He gathered up the pieces of my heart in His hands, and He started to give me rest. God has shown me blessings I’d missed because I was so focused on my pain. I’d never struggled before with anything. I may have had some tough situations, but I’d never struggled. God has always had my back. I’d never been put through any tough trials before, and He finally let me go through it. I was attacked from all sides and all areas of life to the point I was done with everything. But God used it as an opportunity to show me He never left me. That no matter what I go through, He’s always there and will pick me up when I can’t pick myself up. He showed me that even though I may have been struggling that He was there fixing me the whole time. He was there blessing me and making things better than they were before. I was just so blind with the pain I didn’t see what He was doing. He let me get broke, he let met get crushed, so He could make me stronger. When we are weak, He is strong, and He uses those who are broke to show His glory. When we can’t do it on our own, that’s when He can shine through us.
So what does all this have to do with my blog? Well, this whole blog was birthed because of this issue. I intended it as a release of my pain, but God has shown me that it is a way to help others. I have many things I think and feel. I deal with a bunch of different emotions daily. Things I’ve struggled with for years, but have never told anyone for various reasons. And I’m going to start sharing those things. I’m going to show you what I think and feel about different things, and how I’ve overcome them. Because that’s the whole point of this, it’s not a place where I come and complain. This is a place where I come and overcome. I don’t just say my problems; I share my solutions. I call myself an INFJ because I fit the description. I think and act pretty close, not exact but close, to what an INFJ is. You see these things I struggle with they aren’t me. It’s not who I am. The thoughts and struggles I have are not me. It’s not you. Just because have a glass of water doesn’t make you a glass of water. Just because you have negatives thoughts doesn’t make you a negative person. Just because you have struggles doesn’t mean that’s who you are. Everyone has struggles and based on personalities, and we are more susceptible to struggle with other things. We have all these thoughts and emotions, and they are not a part of us. They are a result of us being attacked. Who we are, what type of personality we have, the friends we have all help determine what kind of struggles we are more susceptible to. Some of us have similar struggles; others have different ones. I struggle with my mind. I say my mind is my worst enemy, but that’s a false statement. My mind is not my worst enemy. It’s my worst weakness. It’s an area that is easy for the enemy to attack. I’m introverted all my battle is fought internally in my mind. Same with my heart. I feel internal. My heart fuels my mind, and my mind is the center of the chaos. My mind is what is continuously under attack. All my emotions and feelings flow to my mind, so that’s where the devil attacks. He attacks where he knows he will have the most effect. But I realize this, and I’m a victor. I’ve won battles. I’ve conquered emotions, thoughts, and feelings that have plagued me for years. So my desire for this blog is for me to share with you what I struggle with. The fears I have, the thoughts that run wild, the feelings that plague me, etc. But not to just vent. Not to share what’s going on, but also my victory. The fact that even though I may have/had experienced these things that I’m able to overcome them. I’m going to share these things to let you all you’re not alone. We all have fears, worries, troubles, and struggles. But you were never intended to hold on to them, and it’s not hopeless. You can overcome them. If I can come back from the point of ending it all, then you can overcome whatever mess you’re dealing with. I’m sharing all these things, so you know someone else struggles with the same thing as you. Someone else feels the way you do. Someone else thinks the same way as you. But not only am I someone who struggles with the same things as you, but I also am someone who has overcome them. I’m here to help you overcome them and encourage you that you are not alone. You can get through it. No matter the pain or the difficulty you can overcome. I’m not saying all this to make myself sound better than everyone else like I know how to fix all these issues, because I guarantee you that’s farthest from the truth. What I’m trying to say is I’m just like you. I know the pain and the struggles, and I’ll be honest I don’t know the answers to all the problems out there. I don’t even know all the answers to my struggles. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying to learn. I’m not trying to fix what’s broken or fight the war that rages on every second. I’m just saying I’m here to let you know you can get through it. I may not be able to give you an answer you want or need, but you can overcome it. Because God never intended us to be defeated. He never intended for us to give up and lose. We are winners and victors in Christ!
So thank you, everyone, who has been reading my blog! You all don’t know how much it means to me!! The fact that you all keep reading it means more than you know. I hope that through sharing my struggles and pain that you are encouraged because you are not alone! Some people feel and struggle just like you, so don’t get discouraged. God has your back even when it doesn’t feel like it. Thanks again, everyone who has been reading my blog! Thank you to those who comment and leave likes it lets me know that this is all worth it and that it matters to someone. And a special thank you to those who leave comments! I love getting to interact with you all, and it makes my day to see that ya’ll enjoy it and can relate to me! I hope you all have a blessed day! Till next time. Peace and God Bless!!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey