Hey everybody! So glad to be back. Boy, do I have a lot to share with ya’ll. I’ve had a lot of things come up since I last made a post. My life has been changing. Rapidly, and without pause or hesitation. It’s been slapping me in my face without regret or indecision. I’m just sitting here wondering what’s going on. Life did not used to be like this. Everything used to be perfect; nothing was going crazy. All my friends and I were having the time of our lives. My family and I were happy. Job going smoothly. Finances straight and school with straight A’s. Now I’m wondering what did I do to change all this? Because within two months this is all been blown up and put back together. Some of it better some of it is has been destroyed. Some of it has been damaged.
Two weeks ago ya’ll know I went to Nationals at SkillsUSA, which was a blast. I had an excellent time. It was fun and stressful. Tough yet relaxing. It was such a unique opportunity to go and participate in such a fierce competition and to know I had to be good enough to get there. And getting 8th isn’t that bad. Being 8th in the Nation is an impressive feat. But I also enjoyed Nationals because I got to cross a few things off my bucket list. I got to eat gold. I went to the Hard Rock Cafe and ate a Gold-leaf burger, which tasted weird. Gold doesn’t taste as good as it looks. I also got to eat at a Brazillian restaurant. That was cool because they placed a coin on a table. When it was green face up, people were continually bringing us different kinds of meat until I flipped it over to the red side. It was just an excellent experience. The last thing I crossed off my bucket list was getting to compete at something at a National level. I’ve always wanted to be ablet o compete at something. So it was awesome to be able to compete at something I’m going to be making a career out of. But that was not the only reason I was glad to go. It was beautiful and peaceful to get away from my life. Life has become so stressful; it was nice to get away. No more stress, no more worry, no more pain. It’s a fantastic feeling to wake up and know the only thing you have to worry about today is where do you want to eat later. Having no drama or a list of tasks longer than a mountain waiting on you when you get home. No more intimidation, no more fear, and no more stress. Just the peace and joy of knowing you are living in the moment. I was enjoying every second. Sure my competition was fierce and hard, but I was able to make friends with the other competitors. We had fun and a blast. It may have been exhausting, but I was able to end the day knowing I gave it my best, and no one was there to judge me if I did well or not. I lived for me without worrying about what everyone else thought for the first time in my life. And it was bliss, knowing I could fail and till I got home, it didn’t matter. No one would know or care, but me. So Nationals was almost like a break and a breather. It was allowing me to finally be me without the worry of being judged without worrying about living up to everyone else’s expectations.
Then I get home on Saturday, and I’m beat. I have to unpack and repack. I’m feeling good because I just got back from my break. So I pull out my computer and take my midterm test I had to take before I went on my next trip. I grind it out and try my hardest. Give it my best, and it pays off. I only missed one question, which was just a simple mistake.
Sunday came and went in a flash. I had a blast getting to see all my friends again. It was awesome to see the people I missed so much. I may have enjoyed my break from them, but I still missed them. I missed my family and friends so much; it was awesome to get to see them all. And to know that the next day would be the beginning of my favorite time of year. Camp. I love to camp. It’s the one event I look forward to every year. I get to hang out with all of my best friends for a week, and God changes me every time. I was so excited. So I went to bed Sunday happy, hopeful, and enthusiastic.
Then came Monday. The day I expected, but it did not go as planned — this week of camp that I had so longed for and wanted to turned into something I never expected. I love youth camp; it’s my favorite event every year. But this year I hated it. I despised it. Sunday I had a slight cough, and I didn’t know why. We get to camp on Monday, and I’m lit. So excited to see all my friends. But I didn’t get to hang out with who I wanted to. My head started poundin’. Like why? Why did I deserve this? My favorite week and my head start hurting. I have to lay down, and I get up, and all my friends are all gone. So I turn it up and get lit. Get in line at the zip line. Makin’ new friends for the rest of the week. Met a guy named Price and his sister. I met another guy named William, who called me the Zipline Guy — met another who I knew from a previous year called Ethan. I got to the evening service and was ready to be changed, but I was hurting. I was in severe pain. I tried to hide it because I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to miss out, hanging out with some of my friends. Friends I don’t usually get to see or hang out with regularly. I didn’t want to miss any services. I didn’t want to miss any services. I wanted to be changed because I’ve been livin’ in pain, and I was ready for it all to be changed. But with this pain in my head, I couldn’t focus so that I couldn’t dive in. I missed out the first night.
Tuesday comes and feels like hell. Put an extra effort to hang out with friends. I stayed close and hung out. The pain still there and throbin’, but I’m just trying to ignore it and have fun anyway. I feel like just dying. I want to go to bed and rest my head. I hurt so bad, but I don’t care. I want to be there for my friends and family, so I push through. I have to make it to Friday. The lunch bell rings and friends run by to get in line. Feeling down and depressed. I want to be recognized and feel like I’m making a difference. I’ve got a gift called speed. So I turned into gear and dug in deep. I sprinted up the hill. Head bursting into flames. But I don’t care. The pain feels good at least it’s one I can understand. The anger and hate built up to make me run faster and faster. Breathing gets heavy. Raspy breaths, the pressure inside my chest, head feeling like it’s about to explode. But I push and push till I have no more. I reach more goal wishing I’d died on the way. I can barely breathe, and my head feels like it’s set on fire. My vision is, and my thoughts are distant. My voice is gone, and desire to stay awake falls away. Friends run up and ask how I am, strangers too, but I can’t answer them. I’m in so much pain and hurt I can’t even communicate what I need. I stand up and stumble inside and set my head on the table. Pain in my heart growing higher than my head. Because of the one who didn’t care to ask, but strangers did. Mocked and asked, “Why are you stupid?” I’m not stupid!!! I’m in pain. Trying to make myself feel better, trying to make myself hurt and trying to feel something that makes sense. But it’s not making any sense anymore. Friends I thought were there for me running off. Friends I didn’t expect showing up out of anywhere. Ten minutes later decided to go to bed and try to recover. My head still throbbing. I get outside barely able to stand, but I can’t look weak. I have to stay active and walk it off. But I lose it all and vomit it all up. I made it back to the cabin and slept the rest of the day away. I was disappointed, angry, hurt, and frustrated that I didn’t get to hang out with my friends. That I wasted my whole day because I was trying to impress. Service comes, and I’m hopeful and excited. We do inside stuff first then get a break. So I go to the restroom because of all the water my friends forced me to drink since I got hurt as I’m leaving the bathroom and headed back to my seat. I round the corner, and to my surprise, lock eyes with the girl I love. But to add to my already horrible day, a guy comes up and asks her on a date. I can’t catch the whole conversation, so I only have to guess at what was said. But afterward, she avoided me the rest of the evening. I never got to see her for more than a second. So the service was long and uneventful. My head still hurts, but now my heart is throbbing in tune with my head. The knot in my stomach was growing, making me feel like I’m going to vomit. I have to leave the end of the service because I almost can’t take it anymore. So two days into my favorite week of the year and I’m already hating it.
Wednesday comes, and I’m hopeful that maybe things will turn around. Morning is uneventful, nothing too crazy happens. The girl I like hangs out with me some, but something is off. Then lunch comes, and all is clear. Her best friend comes up to me and wants to talk. So I say ok, and listen to what she has to say. She answers what I’d been wondering from the previous night. The girl had said yes. She is going with some other guy on a date. My heart drops and breaks. My mind and heart become flooded with confusion and pain. She then tells me that this girl is was ‘livid’ when I got hurt and that they both are afraid this is affecting my week. Well, of course, it’s affecting my week!!! My feelings are still raging, and my head is throbbing. I feel like crap, and now I have to deal with this mess. How can I focus on my friends and these services when I feel so bad. When I can’t tell what hurts more my head or heart? When I don’t know which will explode first my heart or head? Then her best friend asked how I’m doing, and I’m sitting here wondering what do you expect me to say? Like really? You already know I’m doing horrible, so what do you want me to say? You can’t fix it, and you can’t change it. Telling you how I’m doing isn’t going to change a thing. What would it achieve? Why even ask it though? Because you already know what I’m thinking and feeling, so why waste our breath? So I say I’m fine to move the conversation, and she comes back with: “No, you’re not fine.” Well good job, Einstein! Tell me something I don’t know! That we both don’t know. We both know I’m dying on the inside over here so why even bother? So I stand up unable to continue the conversation anymore because of the heat and pain rising in my chest. I respond by saying, “Yeah, and nothing is changing that.” I walk off with purpose in each step. Half was wanting to run like I did Tuesday hoping that something worse happens. Half was wanting to stop and sit up against a wall until someone comes and can help me. But even I didn’t know what I needed. The rest of Wednesday goes by in a blur. The girl and I ignore each other. Unable to even look at each other. Two people who used to be the best of friends now can’t even be near each other.
Thursday comes. The day I’ve been dreading and wishing it was over. I wake up and feel like crap still. Starting to feel better, but I’m still shaky and weak. From emotion or physical pain, I couldn’t tell you. As I wake up Thursday morning, I get the rising urge to try and leave camp because of how I feel. To maybe fake my sickness and make it worse than it is so I can go. So I don’t have to see the girl I love with someone else. But I’m not that lucky. The day drags by, and I’m forced to slap a smile on my face and pretend everything is ok. To pretend I’m having fun and that I’m not dead on the inside. Hiding the fact I’m in overwhelming pain physically and mentally. But I push on anyway. The evening finally comes, and everyone gets together and grabs their dates and head to the pizza bash. I delay my entrance. I am hoping to avoid those two. Thankfully my friend stays with me and helps me avoid her, but I still catch a glimpse of them together, and something inside of me breaks. Service comes and goes, but I can’t focus on anything. My mind is too occupied. My heart is too broken; my body hurt too much.
Three weeks ago before camp, this girl left me a note saying she wanted to talk when I was ready. Well, I was planning on saying something Tuesday during camp, but that plan got thrown out the window when she got asked out. As I sat there thinking I realized if something didn’t change, we’d get back from camp and we’d still be ignoring each other. I didn’t want that. I wanted to be friends with her still. I didn’t want to lose her as a friend, but I was unsure if she even wanted to talk to me. So I gave her a note after the service on Thursday. I told her that I got her note and meant to say something sooner. I didn’t know if she wanted to talk still, but if she wanted to, I would love to talk to her. I told her to meet me in the rec hall if she wanted to talk. I also said that I would understand if she didn’t want to talk. Well as I’m chillin’ in the rec hall, the best friend walks up to me again saying she wants to talk to me. She pulls me to the side and says the girl wanted to tell me that she wants to be just friends. So now I’m sitting here confused. I never said anything about being more than friends. I was trying to save what was left of our friendship. I was responding to HER note. I’m getting told some off the wall information that I never brought up? So I walk off because I honestly don’t know how to respond to that. I say a few things, but my mind is all over the place to put anything together. Plus I still feel like crap. My head starts pounding again, and my cough starts getting louder. I end up going to bed and only getting 2 hours of sleep that night, which sucks because the next day, I have to drive three guys and me to Nashville, TN for our bachelors party.
So we get to Friday. I have to ride on the bus with all my friends, but I wished I could walk. How different it was the ride up there we had so much fun playing games. But on the way back I just wanted out of the vehicle. We finally get back, and my cough is terrible. It’s hard to stay focused on anything because it’s hindering so much. But my head doesn’t hurt anymore, so that’s awesome. All us guys get together, and we head to Nashville. We had a lot of fun and did many fun activities, but I still have this week on the back of my mind. I try to distract myself from all the noise and pain in my head and heart, but it’s so loud it’s almost impossible. Saturday comes, and I feel just as bad. We play several different games and go on tour. We have an awesome day and eat some excellent food. It was a great bachelors party. It made me want to go back and enjoy it again when I feel better and don’t have as much on my mind.
Sunday comes, and I have to leave early to make it back to the church on time. I get back to church, and the best friend starts texting me, asking why I’m upset with her. By this point, I’m starting to get ticked. I haven’t talked to her because she’s always hanging out with the girl I like, who was the cause of most of my pain the last week. So, of course, I haven’t talked to you. She is standing right next to what’s causing me pain. I just had one of the worst weeks of my life, and she is wondering why I’m not talking to her. Well, maybe it’s because I couldn’t talk to anyone! Perhaps I needed some space actually to figure out what the crap is going on. Because I keep getting all this random stuff dumped on my lap and I don’t have time to sort it all out with everything else that’s going on. So I told her I couldn’t talk because honestly, I was too stressed out to try and explain it. I needed a chance to gather my thoughts before I could tell what I’m going through. I’m also beat and exhausted. I went over to a friends house for lunch and was waiting for the pizza to get there. I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I was so tired and exhausted; I couldn’t stay awake. I go home and have to do laundry, and I fall asleep again! My body is pushed to the extreme. I’m close to failure, yet I’m still sprinting. This race isn’t done, and I’m not going to stop until I’ve given it my all.
A week from when I first got to camp; one would think that as I get back into a routine that things would get better, but they don’t. The family meeting takes place. Things are starting to change. The family decides to leave the church we’ve been going to. But I don’t feel like I should leave. I’m still growing. I’m still making a difference; I can still see God using me. All my friends are there. But there also is a lot of pain there too. So do I stay or do I go? Is it worth it to give it all up to start over? Do I want to start over? Lose all my friends to try hard to make friends again? Lose all the people I can confide in, lose all the people I like to hang out with. Lose all my mentors and teachers to gain new ones. Is it worth it? Parents say to pray about it, which is what I’m doing. Because I don’t want to leave, but there are positives and negatives to both.
Then I text the best friend because I know she’s still worried about what’s going on. But I honestly don’t want to talk. I know this is going to be a serious conversation. Lots of things are going to be said that neither side wants to here. I try to explain that I’m not upset with her and that I’m not ignoring her because there’s something between us. Or that I have something against her. But that’s not the case!! There’s nothing wrong between us. I just needed space from her because she’s always around the girl I like. And anytime I’m around her to talk to her; I’m reminded of the girl I love. The pain is brought up and reinjected into my veins. But she didn’t get it. She didn’t believe me. She feels as though I’m throwing away our friendship over who she’s associated with. BULLCRAP. I’m not throwing anything away. I’m taking a step back and breather so I can get over this pain. I’m trying to fix myself and heal. I’m not ending any friendship. I never told her we’re through. I never said I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I’m just trying to deal with myself. I can’t help. I can’t always be talking to her all the time. Sometimes I have to take a step back and look after myself. Especially after the week I just got out of, I’d figured she’d at least understood that.
As our conversation continues, she explains that when she told me Thursday night that the girl wants to be just friends, that’s not what she meant. She meant it as she doesn’t like me anymore. So now I’m over here ticked, like why didn’t you say that to begin with? She thinks it’s the same thing. Yeah, well it isn’t. She doesn’t believe you can be just friends with someone if you like them. But I disagree. That’s the way I was with the girl I liked before we found out we liked each other. We were friends for years, and I liked her the whole time, but we were just friends. She also tells me she got mad at me and wanted to deck me that night I gave the girl the note. Like what the crap? I did nothing wrong!! I responded to HER note. I gave HER an option to talk IF she WANTED to. I was not pushy. I gave her space and room to do what she wanted. And now I find out she wanted to punch me? And she’s wondering if we’re still friends. Maybe I should be the one questioning that. She claims she was just protective. Being protective of what!? I did NOTHING.
You’d think this is crazy enough, but it’s not. So this girl still wants to be friends and hang out apparently. Really? It sure didn’t look like it at camp. They both want me to get up and move on and get over her. To stop liking her, but still, stay and be friends. But they apparently can’t figure out that you can’t have both. I’m only able to stay friends because I like her. I’m ready to stay friends with her because I love her. I have to hide that fact, and I don’t act as I do. But on the inside I still like her. But she doesn’t want me to do that. She wants me to let go. Well, for me to do that. I have to let go. I have to cut her off. I have to remove her from where she stayed in my heart. And her best friend started getting mad at me when I tried to explain that. Saying it’s not fair to her. That she still wants to be friends and that I’m the one deciding to ignore her. Am I? Is it my fault? Because last time I checked, I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I was trying my very hardest to be her friend. Still, hang out even when it hurt. I hid the fact I liked her, but I still tried to be friends with her. I kept my promise to her parents. I have not pursued her romantically, and I’ve tried my hardest to be her friend. But it’s not fair to me. She and her best friend are asking two contradicting things from me. They expect me to let go of her and stay, and I can’t do both. I need to know what the crap do they want? They can’t have both so which one are they going to choose? Till someone tells me what the crap they want, I’m going with what was last told to me. I’m going to try and get over her. I’ll have to ignore and avoid her. I have to cut her off. I have to try and remove her from my thoughts and dreams. I have to try and take it all back. Go back to the beginning and RESET.
So this is where I’m at today. Today is Wednesday. I will end up seeing them both again. All my friends are stressed and hurting right now. For one reason or another. So maybe today will go good perhaps it won’t. Maybe she’ll ignore me. Maybe I’ll ignore her. I honestly don’t know how the day will go. I do know that the final thread has been cut. When I was told she didn’t like me anymore, then that cut the last thread that was between us. Now I can heal and do what I need to fix myself. I’m going to be positive and in a good mood because I can move forward now. This post is called Hard RESET because that’s what I’m doing. I’m doing a hard RESET. I’m done with playing games and people playing with my emotions; I’m worried about me now. I’ve been so concerned about everyone else around me I’ve been slowly killing myself. Well, no more. I’m about to do some serious changes. I’m diving deeper into my word. I’ve got some appearance changes in mind. Things I want to do to improve myself. Things I want to try. Things I want to learn.
So that’s what I’m doing. I’m reseting. I’m reseting my heart, mind, soul, and body. I’m doing a Hard RESET — things about to get lit up in here. I’m reseting my joy. I’m going to rebuild a joy not yet experienced. I’m reseting everything. I’m making everything better, stronger, and faster. I’m doing an upgrade and a deep dive. I’m cleaning out the trash that needs to go and bringing in equipment that will get the job done. I’m going to be trying harder. I’m going to be pushing and pulling more to do what I need to do. I’m checking boxes and crossing off lists. I’m shattering the mirror and drawing my image. I’m doing a Hard RESET.
Thanks so much for reading everyone! Sorry, it’s been so long since I’ve made a post, but my life has been insane. I’m happy to be back I’ve got some lit stuff to share with ya’ll. It’s about to get turned up in here. I’ve got another post coming out later that will explain some of my ideas I’m planning on doing. Thanks so much for making it this far! I couldn’t do it without ya’ll. Don’t forget to leave a like and comment on any thoughts you have!! Till next time. Peace and God Bless.
~~~ INFJ Mickey