The Quest. I’m on a quest of sorts. I have a dream that I’ve had since I was 10 years old. It’s changed slightly over time, but not much. It’s been modified, upgraded, and degraded. The dream has changed, yet remained the same. But what is the dream? What is this Quest? You could say it’s the American dream, but for me, it’s deeper than that. The American dream wants just to have a family, a house, and a car. A part of my dream is to have a nice house and a nice car. A part of my dream is to have a family, but having a family is not my dream either. My dream is not to have a nice life or a huge family. What if I told you my dream is not even to get married? Getting married is only a result of my dream. It’s the reward at the end of my Quest. So what is my dream? What is this Quest?
My dream is simple. My dream is to find someone I can connect with. Not just in a relationship, but deeper than that. Much deeper. I want a connection deeper than people usually have. I want to find someone who I can connect with my mind, heart, and soul. I want to find someone who wants that. I want to find someone who wants it as bad as I do, who will fight for it, and protect it. Someone who will love me for who I am with all they have. I want a connection that when people look at us they can tell something is different. They can see the bond that’s there. I want a relationship that’s revolutionary. I’m saying my Quest is to find a wife, but that’s just because it’s easier to say. But I’m looking for much more. I’m looking for a soulmate. My best friend, the person I want to not just spend the rest of my life with, but share the rest of my life with. I’m not just looking for a wife, soulmate, best friend, and companion. I’m also looking for a mother for my future kids. I’m on a Quest for something so rare even I doubt if I will ever find it.
I’m on a Quest, but I’m doing it a bit differently than some people. Some may do it like me, but I don’t feel like many do. When I was 10 I was in my bed crying my eyes out because I longed and yearned so much for someone I could connect with. So I decided that day that I would start each day praying to God for this girl I could connect with. I knew if anyone could give me my heart’s desire it was God. I knew if anyone could do the impossible God could. He could bring about things that people thought insane. He could answer my prayers no matter how silly. Because no matter how silly they may seem to anyone else they mean the world to me. And if a little kid ran up to his dad with tears in his eyes and a heavy heart, then the dad would at least hear the sons pleas. So I know God has at least heard mine. For mine have been long and heavy. I decided that night when I was 10, to make two lists. One list was things I could not compromise on in a girl. The second list was a list of things I could compromise on. The second list I viewed as just a list of things that I wanted but did not think I could have all of them. I wrote both lists out on my heart and mind and prayed over them for the next several years. I still am praying over both lists to this day.
So how has my Quest gone so far? I’m not sure yet. You see I’m weird in the fact that I’m trying hard to make sure I don’t let the wrong people in. I made these lists to eliminate a lot of heartbreak of relationships that would never work. I use them to protect girls and me. For the past nine years, I haven’t been looking for things I like in girls I’ve been looking for things I didn’t like. Anytime I started to like a girl; I immediately tried to find something I didn’t like. It didn’t take long usually. I could often find something within a week that would instantly turn me off and make me lose interest in her. I purposely have been picky about who I liked for several reasons. First being, the pickier I am, the less likely chance that I could end up in a relationship that won’t work. There would be less chance of heartbreak and wasted time. I don’t want to hurt anyone, and I don’t want to get hurt. I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, and I don’t want to waste my time. The second reason I have for being so picky is I know as soon as I fall in love, I’m done. You can’t shake me, and you can’t move me. I’m focused on her period. My ability to think logically is diminished, and I lose the ability to make a level headed decision regarding her. I realize that if I allow a girl to get ahold of my heart, I’m stuck… What happens to me when I fall in love is for another post, though. So my second reason I’m so picky is that I realize I change when I fall in love. The third reason I have for being so picky about what girls I allow myself to like is because I have an extreme desire to do something that I believe very few people know about. One and done. I desire to eliminate everyone except the one. To make it so that no one can get in, but the one. So that the first person I date is the one I marry. One and done. Fall in love once, and marry once. My reason for wanting this is because of this connection I wish to have with my future wife. I want to be able to give her all of me. All of my heart, never given to anyone else. I want to be able to say to my wife one day. I’ve loved you and only you. There was never anyone else. Just you. How AMAZING would that be? I mean, put yourself in their shoes? Imagine someone doing that for you? Imagine someone saving all of their self for you? All of their love and all of their heart. I want to be able to tell my wife one day; I never kissed another girl. I never dated another girl. I never had another girlfriend. I never wanted anyone else. I never loved anyone but her.
Now I know that its a crazy far fetched dream, but you know what? I don’t care. I meant what I said. God knows my heart and has heard my prayers. No matter how silly they may seem or be, but He knows my heart. He made my heart. Whether or not He answers my prayers or not idk, but He has told me several different things over the past several years that has given me hope. I’m just giving it my all and trying my best to listen to what God is saying, because as long as I’m listening to Him, it is possible. He knows what relationships will work and which ones won’t, and as long as I’m listening, then I can stay clear of the ones that won’t and find the one. Find the one girl who’s He has set aside for me. So that when the day comes, and I do find her, I can give her my love. All of it as pure as I can manage to keep it. Untainted, unrelenting, and overflowing.
I’m going to have to go ahead and end this post hear otherwise we’ll be here all night, lol. I can talk about this kind of stuff nonstop. Not even joking. But now ya’ll know what my dream is. It’s to make such a deep connection with a girl that catches people off guard. To be able to connect with her with my mind, heart, and soul. So what questions or comments do ya’ll have? I’d love to hear them!! Thanks so much for reading! Leave a like if you want to hear more! Till next time. Peace and God Bless!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey