This is the third time I’ve rewritten this post. Why? Because this is a very controversial topic for me. Anger and I have a love-hate relationship. I hate being angry. I don’t like getting mad. It makes me think and act in a way that’s not me. But at the same time, it protects me. When I’m angry, nothing can hurt me. I don’t care about anything; I’m just mad. My inside, which is usually all soft and kind turns cold and hard. Instead of being pushed around by everyone, I stand up for myself and push back. But this is why I hate it. Deep down, I hate it when I’m mad. I hate being mean to people. It’s not who I am or who I want to be. It hurts me when I hurt someone. I take it very personally. But at the same time, if I’m mad, it’s usually because I’m hurt. So when I’m mad, I’m trying to protect myself. I push back on what’s hurting me, which sadly is usually other people.
If I could choose never to be angry, I would do so in a heartbeat, because it’s not me. I don’t like the things I do, say, or think when I’m angry. I don’t believe that’s how God intended us to be. We are supposed to be slow to anger, which I try very, very hard to be. I realize that when I’m angry, I’m not me, so I make an extra hard effort not to get angry. It can be hard sometimes, but I think I’ve gotten a lot better over the years. I don’t get as mad as often. It’s a rare occasion now. I’ve also learned that when I get angry, I need to leave. Just get up and leave the situation. Get some space and clear my head, because if I stay in the situation angry, I’m just going to be feeding my anger. I’m going to blow up and act on my anger, which is something I don’t want to do. I hate it when I blow up. And thankfully, it is extremely rare for me to blow up. I don’t believe there is anything wrong with getting angry. What I do think is wrong is if we remain in the anger or act on it. Because when we do that, we are giving the anger a foothold in our lives. It allows it to feed and grow. It becomes a weed in our lives, one that needs to be uprooted and thrown away. So anytime I get angry, I try and do that. When I get mad, I get up and leave. I remove myself so that I can remove the anger.
But sometimes I can’t leave. Sometimes I get trapped. I get stuck in a situation where I can’t go. So the anger grows. It begins to feed and grow into something bigger and worse. It becomes a rage, and rage brings nothing but destruction. If I can’t leave or I feed my anger to the point where I hit rage, I become a different person. I explode on everything. But what’s crazy is right before I blow I’m like a ticking time bomb. Usually, when I can’t remove myself from the situation, I become unusually quiet. I don’t say anything, and if you try to talk to me, I’ll snap back. I’m trying to retreat into myself and deal with the anger, so I don’t explode. Talking feeds my anger, so I try to cut it off, but if the situation continues and my anger grows to the point where I’m about to explode, I become the ticking time bomb. Any small thing could set me off, and when it does, I explode. When I blow, I don’t care about anyone or anything. I’m pure rage, and all I want is to end whatever it is that is making me mad. I want to stop the pain the anger and hate. I want to get rid of what is causing me to be like this. I want to remove whatever has brought me to this point. And I hate being in this state because it scares me. When I’m in rage mode, I’m done talking; I’m all action. I move so fast my brain doesn’t have time to think or react. I know this is very bad because I’m not in control. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so angry I’ve lost control of myself, and that is a horrible thing. This is why I try harder than anything to make sure I don’t allow myself to remain in anger. I can’t let myself get to that point. I can’t allow myself to lose control. Because when I control I do and say things, I would never do otherwise. I essentially become a different person. I become someone God did not intend for me to be. This is why I hate being angry. It’s a side of me. I don’t like to show anyone, because it’s not me. The things I do in anger are not things I would typically do.
However, I do like getting angry sometimes. It’s not a good thing that I do like it, but I do have a reason for it. My personality type is very lenient with people. People hurt and upset me all the time, but I’m terrific with hiding it. I don’t let people know they hurt me, I shrug it off and let them keep doing it. I have a reason for doing this, but that’s for another post. The reason I like getting mad sometimes is that I stand up for my feelings for once. I stop letting people cross my ‘soft’ boundaries. I quit letting people hurt me, and I push back and let them know I’m not ok with this. Which it’s good to stand up for one’s self, but not out of anger. When I do it out of anger, I’m not me, and the way I handle it is not the way it should be handled. But my personality would rather shove it to the side then deal with the confrontation, so I end up going years without saying anything to finally telling someone out of anger. This is not healthy, and my friends are helping me work on this, but it’s hard to change something you’ve been doing for years.
So I and anger have a love-hate relationship. I hate being mad because it’s not who I am, but at the same time, it protects me. It finally gives me the courage to stand up and push back on the pain that is being afflicted on me. I hope you all enjoyed reading about what anger is to me! I’d love to hear ya’lls thoughts on it. How do you feel about anger?? Thanks so much for the love and support ya’ll! Till next time. Peace and God Bless!
~~~ INFJ Mickey