I do apologize this post is so overdue. I’ve been dealing with a lot of different things right now, and I’ve neglected my blog. So I apologize for that. But on a happier note, I finally am getting this post out! I hope ya’ll enjoy it and learn something new!
What am I afraid of? Well, I’m afraid of a lot of things, but I don’t usually share them because I feel like it makes me look weak. In reality, though we all have fears, so even though I don’t like admitting, I do have fears I do have some. Like there are several I could start with; however, there is one fear I have that is the cause of several other fears I have. That fear is failing or not being good enough. I’ll be honest; my biggest fear is probably not being good enough or failing at anything. It’s why I’m so competitive, and I hate it when I feel like someone can say at any time “Ha, I’m better than you!” I hate it! It’s also why I’m afraid to try anything new because if I do it, I want to be the best, I don’t want someone to be like, “Man I thought you could do better.” or “Man you suck.” It just causes me a tremendous amount of anxiety whenever I lose at something, or I try to do something, and I don’t do it as well as someone else. I usually only feel this way, though when I’m around people who mean a lot to me, or I want to look highly of me. So that’s probably one of my biggest fears: not being good enough or failing at something.
Another I fear I have, which stems from the last one is what people think of me. I try so, so hard to do the right thing and make people like me I’m afraid that I’m going to screw something up, or do something and then they’re going to think badly of me. Or after I do something once they believe that’s just who I am. I don’t want people to look down on me, or think badly of me. So I try harder than people realize to try and please people. Because I do fear to do something that will cause someone to think badly of me.
I also fear talking to (most) people — even family. I struggle with talking to people. I don’t always say what I want to say, or the way I want to say it, which scares me. Because I never want to say the wrong thing and hurt someone or someone’s feelings. I also don’t want anyone to think badly of me. Plus I take words very seriously so I don’t want to say the wrong thing and it comes across wrong. Talking to people, especially public speaking, causes me a massive amount of anxiety and stress. It’s why usually after social outings I like to go to my room and spend alone time because I’m just exhausted. I’m stressed out and have high anxiety, and I need to release that alone. There are times I enjoy talking to people, but those scenarios are few and far between. It’s why I don’t like to talk on the phone or call someone new. Because I know the other person on the other line doesn’t know me, so they are going to make their first impression off of our conversation, and I suck at talking on the phone even more than I do in person. I have a hard time hearing people, which makes me nervous and makes it harder for me to speak clearly and collect my thoughts together. I get so worked up that I’m going to say the wrong thing and make them think lowly of me. Talking to people is a fear of mine.
I’m also afraid of the deep sea…ya’ll don’t know what’s down there. Plus if something goes wrong, you can’t just walk away from it. If you’re in the ocean, you can’t do much. You’re pretty much stuck. I can’t do it…don’t ever ask me to go deep-sea diving…
My second biggest fear is ending up alone. Like what’s the point of going to college, getting debt-free, have a high paying job, etc. if you don’t have anyone to share it with? You can have all the money in the world, but if you don’t have someone to share it with that would suck. I’m just scared that I’m not good enough for anyone, or that my standards are too high so that I won’t ever be able to find the one. I’m afraid that I’ll find the one then her standards will be too high, and she won’t want me. I’m so scared that I might find the one or she might find me, but one of us has to settle for the other. I’m afraid I’ll never find the one, or if I have and I missed or messed up my opportunity. I’m worried I’ll never get to experience the joys of dating someone. And please no one try and tell me I’ll end up getting married or that you believe this or that is gonna happen. No one knows what God’s plan is. I know ya’ll are just trying to make me feel better, but it ticks me off when people tell me to be patient or that God has someone for me. Because ya’ll can’t see the future, so you’re making unsupported promises. God may intend for me to be single my whole life, which would suck, but it’s a possibility.
But the biggest fear I have is not getting married till I’m older. I want to get married and have kids when I’m younger so that I can enjoy my youthful years with my wife. We can go and do a lot more when we are younger. Secondly, I don’t want to have kids when I’m older, because when my kids become teenagers, I want to be able to play sports with them. I love sports, and I want to be able to keep up with them. I don’t want to be the old dad who can’t keep up. I am afraid that even if I do end up getting married, that it’ll be too late to enjoy it like I want to.
So that’s all the fears I can think of at the moment. I’ll be honest it was a bit hard to admit some of those because I haven’t told anyone some of that. They are things I have and am working one, but they are things I struggle with. But like I said, I’m afraid of failing so don’t expect me to give up anytime soon, lol. If you learned something new, leave a like! If you can relate to any of these fears, leave a comment! I’d love to hear someone else who shares the same struggles. Till next time! Peace and God Bless!!
~~~ INFJ Mickey